As a feminist who has taken the journey to decenter marriage, I write from both conviction and lived experiences as a single woman in my late 30s. I have chosen to share my reflections in the hope that they may resonate with other single women who are rethinking the place of marriage in their lives. I am not against marriage or any woman who chooses to get married. My writing is not an attack on marriage itself; it is an attempt to liberate women so that our lives do not revolve solely around it. In many African societies, marriage is more than a personal choice; it is a social expectation, almost a rite of passage into womanhood. A woman who is not married is often seen as incomplete. Yet this obsession with marriage has silently stolen from women their freedom to define their lives on their own terms.
I am writing to let women know that it is okay to be single and live their lives without constantly thinking of marriage. Some women have made the conscious decision not to marry. It is not a popular opinion in African societies, but it is an equally valid one. The idea that a woman’s worth lies in marriage isn’t an African cultural issue; it’s a product of global patriarchy and capitalism that continue to shape how women are seen and treated. This has placed women under intense pressure to marry, often leading them to compromise and settle for the wrong partner. Many feel too ashamed to leave their unhappy marriages because society will label them as failures. In some communities, single women are even demeaned with derogatory labels.
What is decentering marriage?
The decentering marriage, particularly cis-heterosexual women means they are moving their focus away from marriage as the primary measure of their worth or the sole source of their happiness. It also entails that women prioritise their personal growth, self-discovery, and the cultivation of other meaningful relationships. Decentering marriage does not mean dismissing or demonising it. For many, marriage is fulfilling and empowering. But the issue lies in how society places marriage at the center of a woman’s value, while men are rarely measured by the same yardstick. The message is clear: no matter how successful, brilliant, or impactful a woman may be, her status is always footnoted with “…but is she married?” African societies, reinforced by religion, have made women center men to the point where they believe they cannot exist without one.
The Stigma of Being a Single Woman
Being a single woman, especially past the culturally “expected” age for marriage, is often accompanied by scrutiny, unsolicited advice, and societal judgment. In many cultures, single women are viewed through a lens of incompleteness, as if their worth is tied primarily to their marital status. This stigma is not just a personal inconvenience, it is a reflection of deep-rooted societal norms that equate a woman’s success and fulfillment with her ability to secure a partner. Single women frequently navigate a world of subtle and overt pressures. Questions like, “When are you getting married?” or statements such as “You’re getting old; you should settle down” are common. These remarks, though sometimes intended as casual conversation, reinforce the idea that a woman’s value diminishes without a spouse. In professional, familial, and social settings, single women may be perceived as lonely, incomplete, or even selfish, despite living full and purposeful lives.
The stigma also intersects with gendered expectations.
Men who remain unmarried past a certain age are often seen as independent, ambitious, or focused on career growth, whereas women are judged harshly for prioritising personal goals, self-development, or independence. This double standard perpetuates gender inequality and pressures women into life decisions that may not align with their desires. Yet, there is a growing movement of women embracing their singlehood as a conscious choice rather than a societal failing. They are redefining fulfillment, building meaningful careers, nurturing friendships, traveling, and cultivating personal growth. By decentering marriage as the measure of success, single women challenge the stigma, proving that happiness, purpose, and achievement are not dependent on a marital status. Ultimately, addressing the stigma of being a single woman requires both societal reflection and individual empowerment. Society must move beyond outdated narratives that tie a woman’s identity to marriage, while women must be encouraged to define their worth on their own terms, free from judgment or expectation.
The world has changed, so should narratives about single women and marriage change. Women need to reclaim their womanhood by decentering cis-heteronormative marriage and recognising the diversity of women’s identities and experiences. Women are independent and complete beings in themselves. This debate of women decentering marriage is crucial because it unsettles the comfort of patriarchy. It asks us to rethink cultural practices, media portrayals, and even religious teachings that sustain women’s subordination under the guise of marriage. It calls African feminism to broaden the conversation: how do we protect women who choose not to marry? How do we dismantle stigma against them? How do we build communities where all women, married, divorced, widowed, single stand equal in dignity?
Too many women remain trapped in abusive marriages because of the “single women” stigma.
They endure violence because leaving would mean being branded a failure. Religion often compounds this by insisting that women must pray harder to save abusive marriages, rather than encouraging them to walk away. Our mothers and grandmothers bore the brunt of this silence, suffering in marriages with no support structures and no escape routes.
Decentering marriage could be a feminist tool to challenge patriarchal norms that normalise and sustain gender-based violence. If women were not conditioned to see marriage as their only marker of worth, more would feel empowered to leave violent homes. If society did not shame singlehood, women could reclaim their dignity outside marriage. The truth is, not every woman wants to marry and that is okay. It is time we accepted that some women simply do not see marriage as part of their destiny. Their choice must be respected, appreciated, and normalised most specially in Africa.
To move forward, we must question both cultural and religious teachings that place women’s existence at the feet of men. We must prioritise education for girls, encourage women’s financial freedom, and advocate for policies that recognise single women in workplaces and communities. Above all, we must respect women’s choices whether that is marriage, singleness or divorce. Marriage can be a choice, but it must not be the definition. Silence has long protected the idea that marriage is every woman’s destiny. Speaking against it is an act of liberation.
Feature Photo via Shutterstock
Alison Nyaradzo Zuva is a feminist writer, PhD Candidate in Politics and International Relations and Research Co-ordinator at the Centre for the Study on Race, Gender and Class at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa whose work explores the intersections of gender, culture, and resilience.